The rough, first draft of MetalMark is done. I've moved on to revising, which for me is sometimes fairly in-depth and requires major heavy lifting. The first thing I did was add a new opening chapter. I decided to post my first six sentences today. Then, when I looked at them, ready to publish, I realized I didn't like them as the first sentences. They weren't enough to bring the reader in. So, a little rearranging and these are the latest opening lines. Let me know, would you keep reading?
***
Time to get this over with.
Sitting at his desk and ignoring the sick feeling in his gut, he started the signalcast device that was of yet, still unfamiliar to him.
“Prince Lye,” the disemboweled voice answered immediately. Someone always did, though he knew they didn’t sit by their communications device anxiously awaiting his decision. “Do we have an agreement?”
“My blood samples in exchange for a seat in the Syndicate.”
Sitting at his desk and ignoring the sick feeling in his gut, he started the signalcast device that was of yet, still unfamiliar to him.
“Prince Lye,” the disemboweled voice answered immediately. Someone always did, though he knew they didn’t sit by their communications device anxiously awaiting his decision. “Do we have an agreement?”
“My blood samples in exchange for a seat in the Syndicate.”
Edited to Add: Thanks for the catches on "disemboweled". Yes, it should be disembodied. You guys rock! Editors rock. They keep us from doing these sorts of things in public. I'm sure I was caught in the "sick feeling in his gut" imagery & made that mixup. Thanks again & I'm leaving it as is since that's how I posted it!
***
Be sure to visit other Six Sentence Sunday participants!
Posts
41 comments:
Those are great opening sentences. I know I would want to read more!
Good first lines. I want to know more. Blood for power, oh yes!
Great six!
gem
Yup, you nailed it! I NEED to read this!!
Thanks Lisa, Gem and Stacey.
Yay! Glad to see the new opening works. *happy dance*
What is going on! Argh tension from the start, must know more!
Yes, I would keep reading. Please post more of this!
I really like those sentences. Love the last line and makes me need to read more!
I would definitely keep reading. Very intriguing!
Great six, and yes, I would keep reading :)
Nice job! I would keep reading.
yes i would - as a reader i want to know why the blood samples are so important and why he wants a seat - also love the use of language (ex.disemboweled voice)
Yes! I'd totally read on. Hooked by their need for his blood samples; his need for a seat on the council. Not to mention the communication device.
I'd been interested in reading more based off of those sentences! Well done!
Yes, this draws me in and raises many questions. Good opening!
They're some great opening sentences! Now hurry and get this published so I can read it :-)
Oooh, one has to ask just what kind of power that blood sample will give them.
Love the mystery in these six,Ella.
Great opening. I want to know more. Wonderful six! :)
Yes, I'd keep reading. Great sentences!
Ooh, now this is intriguing. Great hook!
I'd definitely keep reading.
That last line was really the clincher for me. Blood sample? Why? DNA verification? Cloning? Blood offering? Or something else? It sets a sharp hook that suggests intrigue and high political stakes.
Disemboweled instead of disembodied. Wow. Nice twist on the phrase.
Very nice. I would keep reading.
Laurie,
Regarding disemboweled, I'm thinking my head was going with the "sick feeling in his gut".
Thank goodness for editors, because while I like the twist my mind took, I'm sure that'll be changed to disembodied.
Yep. I would definitely keep reading. I just finished Jaq's Harp last night and loved it. Never been much of a scifi reader but you're making a convert out of me!
Definitely would want to read more!
Definitely an intriguing opening!
Fab first lines, you definitely got it down! I wanted to keep reading!
Interesting, especially the nature of the exchange...
I liked these very much although I did take a double take on "disemboweled". never seen it used that way
Blood samples? I am totally into this. When can I have more?
Great opening. Got me thinking what was next
Intriguing! I would definitely want to read on.
Definitely intriguing! I'm left with a lot of questions and I'd keep reading to find out the answers. :)
I'd say that six is plenty hooky. It's gotten me interested.
You know, that's a really good idea to post the first six in a wip and see what response you get. I think I'll try that next week. :)
Very, very intriguing!
I would def read more. Great six!
Yep, those are definitely enough to keep me reading.
Hey, here's some feedback on these as opening lines:
Time to get this over with. INTRIGUING FIRST LINE
Sitting at his desk and ignoring the sick feeling in his gut, he started the signalcast device that was of yet, still unfamiliar to him. SECOND 1/2 OF THIS SENTENCE TRIPS ME UP. WHAT ABOUT: HE STARTED THE UNFAMILIAR SIGNALCAST DEVICE? (THE 'YET, STILL' STRUCTURE TRIPS ME)
“Prince Lye,” SOMETIMES PEOPLE SAY THEIR OWN NAME WHEN THEY ANSWER A PHONE, SO IT'S UNCLEAR TO ME WHETHER THIS IS THE SPEAKER'S VERSION OF A FORMAL HELLO, OR THE SPEAKER IS ADDRESSING THE PERSON WHO CALLED the disemboweled voice answered immediately. Someone always did, though he knew they didn’t sit by their communications device anxiously awaiting his decision. “Do we have an agreement?”
“My blood samples in exchange for a seat in the Syndicate.” GREAT!
Hope this is helpful and you don't mind the critique! Good luck!
I'm HOOKED!
I'd read on--when the hero has to pay in blood just to get in, you know things are going to get complicated soon, and it makes you wonder how and why. Great six!
LOL! I dunno, disemboweled is kind of fun ;)
Brilliant opener. The first sentence alone was great, well done! :)
Post a Comment