Sunday, March 27, 2011

MetalMark -- Six Sentences #5


The rough, first draft of MetalMark is done. I've moved on to revising, which for me is sometimes fairly in-depth and requires major heavy lifting. The first thing I did was add a new opening chapter. I decided to post my first six sentences today. Then,  when I looked at them, ready to publish, I realized I didn't like them as the first sentences. They weren't enough to bring the reader in. So, a little rearranging and these are the latest opening lines. Let me know, would you keep reading?
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Time to get this over with.

Sitting at his desk and ignoring the sick feeling in his gut, he started the signalcast device that was of yet, still unfamiliar to him.

“Prince Lye,” the disemboweled voice answered immediately. Someone always did, though he knew they didn’t sit by their communications device anxiously awaiting his decision. “Do we have an agreement?”

“My blood samples in exchange for a seat in the Syndicate.”

Edited to Add: Thanks for the catches on "disemboweled". Yes, it should be disembodied. You guys rock! Editors rock. They keep us from doing these sorts of things in public. I'm sure I was caught in the "sick feeling in his gut" imagery & made that mixup. Thanks again & I'm leaving it as is since that's how I posted it!
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41 comments:

Lisa Fox said...

Those are great opening sentences. I know I would want to read more!

Gem Sivad said...

Good first lines. I want to know more. Blood for power, oh yes!

Great six!

gem

Stacey Kennedy said...

Yup, you nailed it! I NEED to read this!!

Ella Drake said...

Thanks Lisa, Gem and Stacey.
Yay! Glad to see the new opening works. *happy dance*

Ann Mayburn said...

What is going on! Argh tension from the start, must know more!

graylinfox said...

Yes, I would keep reading. Please post more of this!

Sandra Sookoo said...

I really like those sentences. Love the last line and makes me need to read more!

Dee Carney said...

I would definitely keep reading. Very intriguing!

Gayle said...

Great six, and yes, I would keep reading :)

Sarah Grimm said...

Nice job! I would keep reading.

Liz said...

yes i would - as a reader i want to know why the blood samples are so important and why he wants a seat - also love the use of language (ex.disemboweled voice)

Taryn Kincaid said...

Yes! I'd totally read on. Hooked by their need for his blood samples; his need for a seat on the council. Not to mention the communication device.

heatherthurmeier said...

I'd been interested in reading more based off of those sentences! Well done!

Marsha A. Moore said...

Yes, this draws me in and raises many questions. Good opening!

Liia Ann White said...

They're some great opening sentences! Now hurry and get this published so I can read it :-)

D L Jackson said...

Oooh, one has to ask just what kind of power that blood sample will give them.
Love the mystery in these six,Ella.

Lorien Velez said...

Great opening. I want to know more. Wonderful six! :)

Marie Dees said...

Yes, I'd keep reading. Great sentences!

Aislinn Kerry said...

Ooh, now this is intriguing. Great hook!

Laurie A. Green said...

I'd definitely keep reading.

That last line was really the clincher for me. Blood sample? Why? DNA verification? Cloning? Blood offering? Or something else? It sets a sharp hook that suggests intrigue and high political stakes.

Disemboweled instead of disembodied. Wow. Nice twist on the phrase.

Angelina Rain said...

Very nice. I would keep reading.

Ella Drake said...

Laurie,
Regarding disemboweled, I'm thinking my head was going with the "sick feeling in his gut".
Thank goodness for editors, because while I like the twist my mind took, I'm sure that'll be changed to disembodied.

Eleri Stone said...

Yep. I would definitely keep reading. I just finished Jaq's Harp last night and loved it. Never been much of a scifi reader but you're making a convert out of me!

Patricia Preston said...

Definitely would want to read more!

Susanna Fraser said...

Definitely an intriguing opening!

JoAnne Kenrick said...

Fab first lines, you definitely got it down! I wanted to keep reading!

Misa said...

Interesting, especially the nature of the exchange...

Jayel Kaye said...

I liked these very much although I did take a double take on "disemboweled". never seen it used that way

Rebecca Royce said...

Blood samples? I am totally into this. When can I have more?

Lindsay said...

Great opening. Got me thinking what was next

Jay Di Meo said...

Intriguing! I would definitely want to read on.

Jessica Subject said...

Definitely intriguing! I'm left with a lot of questions and I'd keep reading to find out the answers. :)

Hailey Edwards said...

I'd say that six is plenty hooky. It's gotten me interested.

You know, that's a really good idea to post the first six in a wip and see what response you get. I think I'll try that next week. :)

Pippa Jay said...

Very, very intriguing!

Lauri J Owen said...

I would def read more. Great six!

Sara Brookes said...

Yep, those are definitely enough to keep me reading.

Laura Kaye said...

Hey, here's some feedback on these as opening lines:

Time to get this over with. INTRIGUING FIRST LINE

Sitting at his desk and ignoring the sick feeling in his gut, he started the signalcast device that was of yet, still unfamiliar to him. SECOND 1/2 OF THIS SENTENCE TRIPS ME UP. WHAT ABOUT: HE STARTED THE UNFAMILIAR SIGNALCAST DEVICE? (THE 'YET, STILL' STRUCTURE TRIPS ME)

“Prince Lye,” SOMETIMES PEOPLE SAY THEIR OWN NAME WHEN THEY ANSWER A PHONE, SO IT'S UNCLEAR TO ME WHETHER THIS IS THE SPEAKER'S VERSION OF A FORMAL HELLO, OR THE SPEAKER IS ADDRESSING THE PERSON WHO CALLED the disemboweled voice answered immediately. Someone always did, though he knew they didn’t sit by their communications device anxiously awaiting his decision. “Do we have an agreement?”

“My blood samples in exchange for a seat in the Syndicate.” GREAT!

Hope this is helpful and you don't mind the critique! Good luck!

Kathleen Grieve said...

I'm HOOKED!

Lynne Murray said...

I'd read on--when the hero has to pay in blood just to get in, you know things are going to get complicated soon, and it makes you wonder how and why. Great six!

joleenenaylor said...

LOL! I dunno, disemboweled is kind of fun ;)

Lucy Felthouse said...

Brilliant opener. The first sentence alone was great, well done! :)